This past weekend I went to West Virginia to see my nephew run in a marathon. Normally I wouldn’t go that far for just a weekend away but he was driving and my sister had an extra bed in her room so I figured why not. The only things I knew West Virginia is stereo-typically known for are hillbillies and incest. I find a guy in a dirty t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off kind of hot and who hasn’t had fantasizes about twins, so it’s all good. For a free trip, I’ll go anywhere.
In my gay opinion, these are the Top 5 Things I Learned Going To West Virginia:
5: Hostess With The Mostest – I don’t know if West Virginia is considered part of the South but they sure have Southern hospitality…or it could be that they’re just plain nice and I’m not used to that coming from New England.
4: They’re Off The Wall – West Virginian’s love their Michael Jackson. He was on the radio in the van. He was on in restaurants. He was on at the marathon’s finish line. I wasn’t a Michael Jackson fan before and I’m sure not one now.
3: Party Hardy – You know you’re at the entrance to a hotel in West Virginia when you have to walk past a group of guys drinking out of Solo cups to get in the building and then step around the beer coolers just inside the hotel’s hallway to get to your room. I guess a half dozen straight guys partying in a hotel room with just a king size bed to sit on isn’t very West Virginian.
2: Their Shirts Aren’t The Only Things Ripped – Yeah the guys in West Virginia are hot…all except for the cops. That’s very disappointing because who doesn’t love a man in uniform. However, if there are any hot West Virginian cops reading this (as if) and want to submit their photos (preferably shirtless or nude…your preference), I’d be more than willing to post them here with a retraction to this post. I don’t like being proven wrong but this is one instance where I’d be ok with it.
1: Take Running A Marathon Off My Bucket List – Not that it was ever on there in the first place. If you’ve never been to a marathon before, let me break it down for you. You run 26.2 miles up and down hilly streets in all sorts of weather while people cheer words of encouragement from the sidelines. If I had to run all those miles and then the last mile people are drinking their coffees and chopping down on their doughnuts while yelling “You can do it! You got this! Way to go!” I would consider it a failure if I didn’t have the strength to flip them off or have the breath to tell them to go fuck themselves.
Now that I’m back home, I’m going to sit back and wait for the West Virginia Tourism Council to contact me with thanks for spreading the good word about their state. All this knowledge I learned in just one weekend. Imagine if I had spent a whole week there, I’d end up becoming the fucking Albert Einstein of West Virginia.