After my last post about politics and voting, I thought about what my Presidential cabinet would look like…it would have a slick black lacquer finish with mirrors on the top, sides and drawer faces and pink velvet lined drawers. I have just as much of a shot of being President as I have of being Miss America. Although being Miss America is way cooler because I’d get a tiara and a sash when I win. But I guess being President would be ok since I’d get a house for 4 years rent free, a private jet and a team of secret service agents…of course by secret service agents I mean Chippendale dancers in tear away suits with ear pieces that play Madonna’s greatest hits around the clock.
So here it is, my gay Presidential Cabinet (I had to Google the positions because I had no idea what they actually are):
President: Me, obviously – I could get the gay, vegan, yogi, and animal lover votes…as long as those people don’t think I need any credentials or abilities to be President.
Vice President: Latoya Jackson – She would help me get the African American vote and the votes of the Jackson’s hard-core fans, which there are many. She also has an in with Diana Ross and her sister is Janet so the Inauguration Concert will be off the hook.
Secretary Of State: Ellen DeGeneres – She would get me the lesbian and board housewife votes. I’m also sure she has nice penmanship to be secretary.
Secretary Of The Treasury: Suze Orman – She could get the whole country’s budget on track and the only thing she’d be keeping straight are the books.
Attorney General: Judge Judy – Nobody is gonna fuck with Judge Judy. Enough said!
Secretary Of The Interior: Jennifer Lopez – She’ll get me the Latino and straight guy votes, especially since I’d enact that the Secretary Of The Interior’s required uniform be a French maid outfit.
Secretary Of Defense: Colin Powell – He’s going to get me the old Republican male votes. I also want to run around the White House yelling “Where’s my Colin? Has anyone seen my Colin? Damn it, I misplaced my Colin again!”
There are a bunch of other positions in the cabinet but I’m already board with this whole process. I don’t think I want to be President anymore. Sorry if I let down my constituents and supporters. Instead I think I’m going to go lay down with the cats, catch up on Pretty Little Liars, and eat a package of Happy Birthday Oreos…it’s not my birthday but I’m sure it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere.