It’s rare for a movie to make it into my collection. I have not seen, bought or watched a movie more than one time since 2013’s First Period. If you haven’t heard of First Period, do yourself a favor and watch it. It’s completely hysterical but still doesn’t have what it takes to be in my Top 5. What does it take? Here’s the five characteristics a movie must have to become a classic as well as the five greatest movies ever made, at least in my gay opinion:
#5: Name That Tune – I love music, even in my movies, I like there to be a good score or musical tie in. In “My Life Without Me” it was the fact that Debbie Harry (of Blondie fame) co-stared that drew me to the film, along with cutie Mark Ruffalo. However it was the story that hooked me, a 23 year old mom discovers she has ovarian tumors and makes a bucket list she hopes to accomplish before she dies. Debbie plays Sarah Polley’s mom and Mark is the socially awkward stranger who sweeps Sarah off her feet.
#4: Where My Ladies At – I’m all about my divas, so give me a strong screen-stealing leading lady any day. In the movie “Steel Magnolias” I didn’t get one leading lady but a solid six-pack with Sally Field, Dolly Parton, Shirley MacLaine, Daryl Hannah, Olympia Dukakis and Julia Roberts. This southern band of belles (along with a young Dylan McDermott) bond together through the trails and tribulations of their intertwining lives in a small town.
#3: Man Candy – Sure I want my ladies to lead but it’s nice when they leave some eye candy in their wake. “Ghost” stars a bereaved Demi Moore trying to cope with the recent loss of her boyfriend (Patrick Swayze) with the help of a quirky medium (Whoopi Goldberg) who is able to channel him. The film starts with a shirtless Tony Goldwyn doing manual labor helping the couple move and later a topless Patrick spoons Demi at her pottery wheel for the iconic love scene to the song “Oh My Love” by the Righteous Brothers.
#2: Don’t Cry For Me Argentina – All my favs cause me use handfuls of tissues…not from the man candy but because they always bring a tear to my eye no matter how many times I watch them. The Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice musical “Evita” (I hate movies based on true life stories but I let it slide for this Eva Peron biopic) was the role Madonna was born to play since she’s an MTV legend and “Evita” is one long-form music video. Plus Antonio Banderas splashing around in a tub of water in a wife-beater doesn’t hurt.
#1: Spoiler Alert – Someone always dies. In “Beaches” it’s Barbara Hershey after a life-long friendship with Bette Midler that starts out as childhood pen pals, through their teen years, careers, dating the same man (handsome John Heard), husbands and finally in death. Barbara is the attorney fighting for the underdog and Bette is the fabulous musical diva with one of the best soundtracks ever recorded.
I started preparing for this post when we were having a new hot water heater installed. I was in charge of being home and “supervising” the workers. They weren’t hot enough for me to troll the basement every ten minutes so instead I just crashed on the couch watching all these movies back to back. We live in an old house, Abraham Lincoln may have rendezvoused with John Wilkes Booth here before their lovers quarrel at Ford’s Theater (gay history according to me), so the floorboards are thin. Who knows what those installers were thinking as Madonna and Bette are singing their hearts out and I was loudly blowing my nose and sobbing away.