Here are two things you need to understand about me before reading further: #1: When it comes to what’s going on in the world, my two news sources are Yahoo and Twitter. #2: If something becomes a big news story, I tire of it really quick. I have self-diagnosed Current Events A.D.D.
Back a few weeks ago, Kim Kardashian’s ass on the cover of some magazine was huge (no bun intended) news. I avoided that Vaselined ass like it belonged to Honey Boo Boo’s mama. I was very thankful for the headlines that Bill Cosby could possibly be a rapist. It would take a really big news story to over shadow Kim’s ass and this was it. Is Bill Cosby a rapist? I don’t give a shit! But I will tell you this, in my gay opinion, these are the Top 5 Cons To Having Sex With Bill Cosby:
#5: Gag Order – Banging the Jello Man isn’t something that I could really brag about to my friends. It’s not like he’s Joe Rogan, Carson Daly, or somebody hot and super famous like that. I’d get more cred with my friends if I were to sit two rows behind Pee Wee Herman in an adult movie theater.
#4: Psychological Manipulation – Not only is doing the deed with Mr. C something not worth bragging about, having him call me his “Little Vanilla Pudding Pop” during sex would be degrading. I’d like to think I’m anything but vanilla.
#3: Statute Of Limitations – Most of the allegations I’ve been hearing about against Cos are from the 80’s. So even if I got down and dirty with him today, I couldn’t cash in on it for another 30 years. I ain’t no financial adviser but I think I could get a better return with one of those bond thingies.
#2: Damages – Come on now, we’ve all suffered our fair share of rug burns, but imagine the serious sweater burns I’d get as Billy rides my ass like a TV exec who could give him another shot at an HBO special. On a side note, I don’t believe that any amount of dry cleaning can get lube stains out of a sweater.
#1: Verbal Assault – I’d be lying there with Dr. Huxtable probing me as he whispers dirty impersonations in my ear, getting startled back to reality when he tenses up in ecstasy, bursting out in his Fat Albert voice “HEY! HEY! HEY!”, and then collapsing on top of me in the afterglow. That’s something I could never come back from.
Personally, I think we should let the police and the courts do there jobs determining if Bill Cosby is a rapist or not and just get on with our lives. Instead of spending all this energy and money speculating, lets use that time and cash to track down rapists that are still out there and help their victims. Plus we need to free up Yahoo and Twitter for more important things…like doesn’t Madonna have a new album coming out next year?