I have never claimed to have cinematic taste. Give me a trashy B-list celebrity cult flick or made for TV movie any day. So when I discovered that Hulu had a holiday section with trashy Christmas rom-com’s, I was all over it. There may only be 12 Days Of Christmas but there’s way more horrible movies out there than that. This month I spent many evenings, wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, Hulu and chilling with my rat Ivy. In my gay opinion, here are the Top 5 Craptastic Christmas “Classics” I discovered this year:
5: You Take The Good, You Take The Bad – Whichever elf was in charge of casting Falling For Christmas had a brilliant idea when they cast Lisa Whelchel (Facts Of Life icon, Blair) as the mom to an injured figure skating star who finds love at a rehab center with a sexy retired hockey player who is a total DILF with a heart of gold.
4: Holiday C-H-E-E-R – Who needs a Bring It On, Pitch Perfect, or Mean Girls Christmas movie when there’s Christmas Crush. The Grinchesses in this gem are a trio of cheer leaders, as well as champion glee club singers, who return home for their ten-year high school reunion to brag about their wonderful lives and perform a couple musical numbers. As an added bonus, they get to make life hell for their unsuccessful ex-ring leader by talking behind her back and taking away her solo. With the help of her ego-boosting mother (Marilu Henner), the lead finds love with her old nerdy best friend instead of the handsome ex-captain of the football team.
3: Merry Ex-Mas – This year I’ve been going through Pretty Little Liars withdrawal but I got my fix when I watched Christmas Cupid with Ashley Benson. She plays a diva who dies and returns to haunt her PR rep with ghosts of her past, present and future. The plot twist is, each of the three ghosts are ex-boyfriend of hers. At least Ebenezer Scrooge only had to deal with one ex, his ex-“partner” Jacob Marley. Obviously Ebenezer and Jacob were a gay couple, how else do you explain no children and all that disposable income.
2: Santa Isn’t The Only Fantasy Man Of Christmas – The Spirit Of Christmas is about believing that a male ghost will come alive for twelve days every Christmas, wanting to hang out alone in his old mansion reading and playing the piano. Dispelling reality is easy to do when you’re the appraisal lawyer for the mansion and female love interest in this movie; especially when the sexy spirit of the past does his ironing topless. He can haunt my house anytime, as long as he does windows and cleans rat cages as well.
1: Christmas Wishes Do Come True – When I was on Santa’s lap this year (is that a candy cane in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?) he knew exactly what I wanted when he delivered Mario Lopez in handcuffs to my TV set. That is the gift that just keeps on giving…or receiving, depending on your preference. However I’ll never understand why, in Holiday In Handcuffs, Melissa Joan Hart would kidnap Mario in order to take him to her family holiday party instead of taking him off to Tijuana. Obviously this is a work of fiction.
Before you sic the ASPCA on me for subjecting Ivy to such torture watching these holiday nuggets of jolly goodness, at the time she was full of holiday spirit..as well as peas and bananas. So my gift to you this holiday season is to spare you from wasting hours of your life on true movie classics when you could be watching these craptastic ones instead.
Happy Holidays & Healthy New Year!