Whoopi Goldberg’s The Unqualified Hostess

In my gay opinion, everybody is a whore for something and for me it’s celebrity book signings. Give me a diva dishing about her career, her drug or alcohol addiction, and her ex-lovers and I am all over it. Hell I was even up for Whoopi Goldberg’s signing for her new book The Unqualified Hostess where she’s serving up advice on her table setting etiquette when I don’t even having a dining room table to set. The audience for the book seems to be insecure people who need a celebrity to tell them what to do.

When I first moved out of the house on my own, I couldn’t afford a dining room table (it took me months to move up from watching TV on a yoga mat to a futon) and I lived that way for over a decade. I didn’t have a dining room table until I moved into my partner’s condo. We never used it but our cat Abby had a place to hide when her sister Chelsea chased her. Then when we bought our own home I told my partner we were selling the dining room table (sorry Abby) and getting a pool table instead (Abby now hides in the legs of it). Who needs a dining room table when you can eat on the couch watching TV. Spoiler alert, there’s no chapter in Whoopi’s book that even mentions Judge Judy.

On top of telling people to just have fun and decorate their tables any way they want, Whoopi also has many nondescript pictures of her own table settings for various holidays. The pictures are more artsy than instructional or helpful.

Whoopi also has a few recipes in her book. There’s directions to make tea (silly me, I thought you just throw a bag in hot water) and some non-vegan friendly fare. In the spirit of improving other’s lives, for the first time ever, I share an exclusive recipe from my own personal cook book:

Peanut Butter & Jelly ala Bagel

1: Open package of bagels.

2: Take a bagel out.

3: Slice bagel in half…unless you’re fancy and buy the pre-sliced bagels.

4: Open peanut butter and jelly jars.

5: Pour some jelly into the peanut butter and stir to desired consistency (using the same knife you used to cut bagel, don’t want any more dishes than needed).

6: Spread ample amount of mixture onto bagel bottom, put on top, and serve.

Bon Appetit!

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