Check Out My Balls

I’m not one of those crafty sort of gays. Every New Years instead of making a resolution, I attempt a project. In past years I’ve dabbled in photography and collaging. Photography was fun but not really crafty and I learned that I don’t have the patience to glue those fucking little pieces of paper down while making a mess of my “art” and myself. The only crafty thing I’ve ever succeeded at is gay holiday wreath making (don’t even pretend like you don’t know it’s a thing) because that’s where I met my partner. In my gay opinion, crafting should only be taken seriously if there’s a chance you might get laid.

My partner and I recently bought a house and inherited a washer and dryer with it. They’re operational but the dryer doesn’t leave my clothes smelling good. Dryer sheets aren’t the answer because they’re bad for the environment and, as I learned, bad for your health. So I stopped surfing porn online long enough to search eco-friendly drying options and discovered wool balls. All the sites said they’re environmentally friendly, cut down on drying time, lessen static cling, and make clothes smell good if scented. Now those are my kind of balls.

Wool or plastic dryer balls can be bought on Amazon or Etsy but I decided to go nuts and make my own. I went into full-blown Martha Stewart mode and went on Pinterest for help. It was worth the undertaking because I only needed yarn, a crotchet hook, and pantyhose. You roll certain yarn tightly into balls, tie them in old panty hose, and wash and dry them a bunch of times. Easy peasy!

I went balls-to-the-wall and made a half dozen but I don’t think I’ll do it again. Next time I’ll save myself the time and hassle and just buy them online. There was no real sense of accomplishment and the only reason I saved any money was because I was able to get supplies from my sister. Who else could I ask for a crotchet hook and worn pantyhose for my balls with no questions asked?

If you decide you want to give wool ball making a shot, you can find how-to directions on Pinterest, but here’s some tips: #1: No need to buy a crotchet hook. It’s easier to use your finger when doing your tucking. #2: If you use old pantyhose, make sure they don’t have a run in them. Your balls will get exposed and fall out. #3: Wash and dry your balls more times than the directions say. I had to bounce my balls from the washer to the dryer at least a half dozen times before they were perfect.

I am happy with the balls I have. As for the claims I read online, I do find that my clothes dry somewhat faster and there’s slightly less static cling than before. But most importantly is that I love the way my balls smell.

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