Alanis

What’s a gay to do when he finds himself in a drought? No, not the environmental or sexual kinds, much worse, diva withdrawal. It’s been almost two months since I’ve bought new music. Most of my divas have gone into a COVID hibernation, a few have released a single here and there, but that doesn’t really satisfy my cravings. A couple weeks ago I found myself trolling the net, shaking with DT’s (what, you didn’t know that’s “Diva Trembles”) and found myself looking for a fix.

Back in 1991, Alanis Morissette released her first self titled album in Canada. Just Alanis. Like the great divas before her (Madonna, Cher, Charo) she couldn’t be bothered with a last name. Since I wasn’t a Canadian teen girl at the time (but here’s to hoping, some day), I didn’t have access to this album. It’s not on iTunes, Amazon or Spotify. So a few weeks back I went to my dealer of all things rare or unwanted, Ebay, and won a copy on one of their auctions. The best $14.35 I spent in a long time.

Alanis has always had serious street cred!

In 1995, when I first heard Jagged Little Pill, I was hooked by Alanis’ gritty vocals, rocking sound, and graphic, heart-wrenching lyrics. However, being a sucker for cheezy pop, it’s fun to go back to hear what’s been hiding in Alanis’ closet (behind her sports bras and hoop earrings) and it doesn’t disappoint. This album makes me want to put on my own Spandex and Cabbage Patch around the house.

Who knew the diva who sang and co-wrote “You Oughta Know” asking the questions “Would she go down on you in a theater” and “Are you thinking of me when you fuck her” would be the same one who co-wrote “Superman” asking “Should I call him on the telephone / Should I go see him or just stay home / Will he be different from the other boys / If I could find him I’d be overjoyed.” Girl, I’m overjoyed listening to such musings.

You can’t go wrong with sweaty beefcakes & Paula Abdul dance moves!

Since it’s been three decades since the release of Alanis, it’s unfortunate she can’t do an anniversary tour. I’d pay good money to see Alanis perm her hair, dust off her shoulderless shirts, and bust out her old-school dance moves. This is the greatest travesty so far that COVID has robbed the world of, at least, in my gay opinion.

I don’t remember this episode of Friends!

You know you can’t reach Jesus on your portable phone

He ain’t speakin’ to the people in their Hollywood homes

With a toot in your snoot and your loot to boot

You don’t even give a hoot about the minds you pollute.

— Alanis on “Human Touch”

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