If You Put Your Hands In My Pockets, Don’t Be Looking For Change!

The other day I was running late for a concert and stuck in traffic. I could see the traffic light ahead and orange security cones everywhere. As the light changed, I inched closer and closer to the intersection. Was there a three car pile up? Did a kid run out in traffic and get hit? Nope! It was one of those fucking “Voluntary Tolls” that fire departments put up for charity. They slow everybody down so people can throw money into a fireman’s empty boot. At the very least have a hot fireman wearing it and I don’t mean this old retired fireman who used to carry buckets to the river to get the water. He’s now limping through traffic and only able to get to 2 or 3 cars before the light changes and then we wait as he moseys out of the way. In my gay opinion, unless you’re one of those sexy firemen from the calendars, get the hell out of my way because I have somewhere I need to be.

Isn’t it bad enough that most weekends I can’t go grocery shopping because, nine times out of ten, somebody is standing at the entrance looking for a donation. I will cut the Girl Scouts some slack because at least I’ll get a box of cookies out of the deal. But don’t even get me started on the damn Salvation Army bell ringers out there in December. They give me a headache and then they want me to give them money; not in this lifetime. I’m not going to give you money just because you’re in my face, guilting me, telling me it’s for a good cause.

Why is it that when homeless people pan-handle they’re shooed away while the Girl Scouts and firemen are allowed and encouraged to beg for my money? Sure there are some people who pretend to be homeless but if they’re willing to get dirty and smell that bad, then by all means they deserve something for their dedication to the role. That’s the way to get money out of me in person unless you’re carrying a gun. However, if you’re going to rob me, you’ll be disappointed when all you get is a wrinkly old twenty, my driver’s license (ignore that horrible photo), and my library card…yeah I’m so old that I still carry a library card.

So the moral of this rant is that asking me for money when I have shit to do, is the wrong time to be asking…unless there’s something in it for me. If you’re a half naked guy, got a box of vegan cookies, or smell so bad that I want you gone; here’s a dollar. Otherwise, give me some info and if I believe in your cause, I’ll donate to it. Any pamphlets geared toward A.D.D. sufferers will be appreciated…not because I have A.D.D. but because I don’t care enough to spend a lot of time reading all that info.

“Fireman” Photo By istolethetv from Hong Kong, China [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

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