Top 5 Ways To Know You’re Getting Old

Every year as I get older and the people around me get older, I notice when someone does something elderly, I say to myself “Self, at least your not that old.” In my gay opinion, these are the Top 5 Ways To Know You’re Getting Old.

#5 But These PJs Are Clean – When you go out in public and no longer care about your appearance, you’re old. Unfortunately I’m in this phase of my life. I have instituted dress-down Friday at work so I can wear my gym clothes there. I didn’t ask permission, I just did it one Friday and when nobody gave me crap, I continued doing it. To make matters worse, after the gym, I go to the bank and grocery store sweating like a pig.

#4 It’s 7:00PM Tuesday, Bedtime – You’ll know you’re old when you can’t go out to a movie or concert on a work night. I can’t go to New York City for a concert, catch the last train home, go to bed at 3:00AM and be up at 6:30AM like I used to but I can still stay up until midnight for a show anywhere in my own state.

#3 Here We Go Again – When you no longer have current events to talk about and only have stories from the Reagan administration, that’s a clue you’re past your prime. Unfortunately I’m not yet senile enough to have forgotten that you’ve already told me the same story a hundred times before.

#2 Smells Like Dementia – Please don’t choose only three days of the week to bathe and then brag that your brain is so sharp that you remember which days they are. Just bathe every day! B.O. doesn’t only effect the young.

#1 Aches & Pains…In My Ass – I get it, as we age, we fall apart. It means more ailments and trips to the doctor. I personally believe the more time you spend complaining and around others who complain, the further you’ll sink into the pits of ancientdom.

As I get up there in age, if I end up losing my shit (hopefully figuratively not literally), I’ll be at the old folks home thinking every day is my birthday and sitting by the door diddling myself when the mail man comes because I’ll believe he’s the stripper showing up for my party. “Take it off, Sonny! Give me that package!”

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