Death. Nobody wants to think about it but it’s inevitable. Before I die there’s one slight detail I need to tie up in order to prepare my estate, I have to find the next gay Dave to bestow my diva autograph collection on to. I’m a total stalker who enjoys meeting divas at meet and greets, merch tables after concerts, book signings and fan conventions. Over the years I’ve amassed a few precious treasures in my booty, some are personalized “To Dave,” hence the need to find the next gay Dave to continue the legacy. How to find him?
There’s Craigslist, but why isn’t there a Daveslist? I think placing an ad to find a gay Dave to give my glitter baton to would garner questionable responses. I don’t want to end up as the junk in some rando’s trunk.
Is my quest worthy of a reality show (Logo, let me know)? A handful of gay Dave’s would compete in various challenges to be the next in line to obtain the coveted diva collection. Having to wake up at 4:00 AM in Connecticut and make it to New York City by 10:00 AM to obtain one of the limited wristband to a Jenifer Lewis book signing and advance to the next round. Score Madonna tickets on Ticketmaster the day they go on sale, do it before they sell out or be eliminated. Each contestant will be placed in the front row for a Debbie Gibson concert and the winner will have to stand his ground through the “Shake Your Love” encore as the rabid Debbie fans try to elbow, stomp, and jockey their way to the front position. It’s not an easy life being a gay Dave.
While contemplating my dilemma of finding someone to carry on the name and collection, I wondered if there was a gay Dave who paved the rainbow way before me. Is there a gay Dave out there having an iced coffee (sweet and light with almond milk and no ice) in his pink satin robe that once belonged to Zsa Zsa Gabor? Is there a gay Dave looking to home his collection of trinkets signed by Marilyn Monroe, Judy Garland, and Ethel Merman? If so, call me. Was there an old school gay Dave collecting autographs of silent movie divas like Mary Pickford, Louise Brooks or Lilian Gish? Was one of the wise men named Dave (spoiler alert: they were the original thruple, using the stars to find the D while cruising the desert with their gifts of frankincense and myrrh…known today as poppers and lube) and didn’t know who to pass his fig leaf signed by Eve down to?
Is there a twink gay Dave out there now navigating the Broadway backstage doors trying to score an autograph from this decades Patti LuPone or dressing like Sailor Moon at a comic-con to meet his favorite Riverdale star? If you’re that gay Dave or know one (hopefully a predecessor won’t be needed any time soon), feel free to submit a resume for consideration to the throne. Be sure to include your education in all things fabulous, experience in diva research, and submissions with a dick pic move to the head of the line. Good luck, you’re going to need it!