Gay People Problems

Where are you going to attend college? Who are you going to marry? What career are you best suited for? What’s for dinner? We all have choices and decisions to make that impact the rest of our lives. Stress bears down on us at every turn. We’ve all been there. Last month, I found myself at a major crossroads in my own life. Self doubt swirled around in my head. How can I choose? What if I make the wrong choice? How can I live with myself if I make the wrong call? Life is hard sometimes.

I just had to man-up, put on my big boy pants, and make a decision! Which diva’s hand-painted and signed cat bowl was I going to bid on for charity? Kim Basinger, Morgan Fairchild, or Donna Mills? I know, this is one of life’s biggest questions that we all have to answer and for me it was a tough one. I had to compile my data and weigh my options carefully. That involved asking question…after question…after question to the people at Fix Nation, the animal organization running the online benefit auction. You say harassment, I call it research. Each bowl also came with a photo of the celebrity, some of which were autographed, and that sealed the deal for me. I just needed to formulate my bidding strategy.

Back in the day, I was an Ebay addict. In my youth…are your 20’s and 30’s still your youth? For the sake of this story, lets say yes. Anyways in my youth, I’d set an alarm to wake up in the middle of the night or early mornings to “snipe”. That’s the professional term for being a dick and bidding within a few seconds of an auction’s end. Sometimes I’d win, sometimes I’d lose, but I’d always end up tired the next day. Where was I going with this? My youth was so long ago that I’m forgetting the point of this tangent.

Anyways, I decided to place the opening bid on Kim Basinger’s bowl a few weeks before the end of the auction since my snipping days are long gone and hers was the only bowl without any interest yet. The auction was scheduled to end Halloween night. I could have sat by the computer refreshing the site every thirty seconds to see if I was still the winning bid, but I went out to dinner and a movie with my partner instead. We saw a documentary, Kedi, about the stray cats of Istanbul. As I was watching, I wondered why nobody was spaying and neutering those cats like Fix Nation is doing here in the USA. Was that a sign?

When we got home and an hour before the end of the auction, I was outbid. Sadly I moped my way into the bathroom to beautify before bed as I always do just in case I need to flee in the middle of the night due to a natural disaster or if there’s a fire and hot firemen need to bust through the window to rescue me. As I washed and brushed and picked and plucked, I thought about the cats and about charity…and about who would rescue those poor firemen from me. I decided to hop back on the internet, place a long-shot bid and compete for the bowl that was the one my heart desired most.

When I awoke, I was ecstatic to find that I would be the proud owner of a bowl designed by, the one and only, Miss Donna Mills. Now that I’ve received the bowl (larger than expected, bigger is always better), photos (Santa came early, there was two autographed photos instead of one), and my first letter of authenticity; I am over the moon. Best auction win EVER. In my gay opinion, nothing feels better than doing something for charity…except doing something for charity that gets me cool diva merch. Oh yeah, and something for my family too.

Satin and Ivy trying to figure how to get the bowl in their fort.


Abby stalking leaves with her new girlfriend.


Chelsea introducing her new best friend to her old friend, The Vent.


My partner unloading his techie thing-a-ma-bobs while plotting to get ownership of the bowl, if we should ever split up, so he can spite me by serving salsa out of it at his divorce party. Time to update the prenup.



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