I’ve had some interesting gigs over the years, thanks to giving my gay opinion on Fiverr. I’ve been a hat model, interpreted sexts, judged contests, and was on a D/S podcast among other things. So being contacted by someone who wanted my Top 5 Horror Movies List was par for the course. Here’s the list, by the way, if you’re curious:
5: Halloween (1978)
4: Friday The 13th (1980)
3: The Exorcist (1973)
2: Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)
1: Scream (1996)
Anyways, my new Fiverr boss offered to put me on his horror blog as a gay horror movie reviewer. I gave some thought to what I would write about and his proposition. When I contacted him for further details, he ghosted me. When I realized he wasn’t playing hard to get and I was being ignored, I decided to post one of my ideas here instead.
I’m a big horror movie buff but almost all horror movies don’t have gay characters. Sure there’s many with girl-on-girl action, but they’re not lesbians, they just give each other a hand in the shower or make out after a pillow fight. In my gay opinion, here’s the Top 5 Reasons There Aren’t Gay Horror Movie Characters:
5: Lez Be Honest – There will never be a horror movie featuring lesbians because they would have the psychotic killer caught within minutes. As the sexy lesbian lounges around in her flannel shirt and jeans, she receives a call from a heavy breather claiming he knows what she did last summer. How could he know about her fling with Snow White at Gay Days Disney? As a Melissa Etheridge music montage plays, the lesbian builds a trap to catch the stalker using her basement full of tools and then a female police officer / new love interest hauls the creep away. The end!
4: Only In My Dreams – A gay guy snuggles down for the night in his cream-colored, 800 thread-count, Egyptian sheet covered king-size bed with his chihuahua, Princess. A fog-engulfed dream unfolds in a deserted alley with run-down warehouses on both sides. There must be a very exclusive rave somewhere so he knocks on every metal door hoping for admittance. He continues down the alley, turns the corner, and bumps into fire victim Freddy Kreuger in his tattered striped shirt, filthy pants, and knife-blade finger-tipped gloves. Before Freddy can attack, the gay reads him for his poor skin care regimen, lack of fashion sense, and recommends a good nail salon before walking by in hopes of salvaging the night with a hot trick behind a dumpster for a movie with a happy ending.
3: I Have To Wash My Hair That Night – Speaking of dating, no gay is going to have the time to go to an abandoned insane asylum unless Lady Gaga is doing a secret show there. Gays have more important things to do than waste precious moments communicating with the dead via a ouija board when they can be cruising Grindr on their phones instead.
2: Going Solo – One of the major rules to surviving a horror movie is that you never split up or go anywhere alone. Alone time would never happen if one of the characters were gay. He’d either be gossiping with the girls all night or following the hot jocks around hoping that with one more beer the stud would fall off the straight wagon, leaving no time for anyone to get killed.
1: Reality Check – Horror movies are known to stretch the limits of reality. Sure we can believe that a doll can come to life with the murderous desire for blood but nobody is going to believe that a bunch of gay guys are going to go to a remote cabin in the woods to rough it. Why can’t I get a cell signal? Where’s the nearest brunch spot? What do you mean there’s no indoor plumbing? Nope, it’s not gonna happen.
With gays getting more film roles in dramas and comedies, it’s time for them to branch out into horror movies as well. Move over Jaime Lee Curtis, it’s time for a new form of scream queen.