Top 5 Things I Take Offense To

I come into contact with all types of people on a daily basis, many of whom say things that the normal population would take offense to. However, it takes a lot to offend me. I don’t understand people who get worked up when their race, sexuality, age, etc. are called into question. Are you so insecure that some insignificant person’s opinion of you matters that much? However, in my gay opinion, there are some things that are worth getting offended over and here are my Top 5:

5: That’s Outrageous…Truly, Truly, Truly Outrageous – How anyone could think that it’s ok to remake the cartoon Jem & The Holograms into a live action movie and alter the premise of the cartoon is beyond me. Changing Synergy, the super computer that had the ability to holographically change Jerrica into Jem, into a tiny robot (imagine a small annoying version of R2-D2 that dances) that is basically a glorified home movie projector is offensive. With today’s technology and special effects, why not stay true to the original cartoon and take the teen girl film genre to a whole new level?

4: Fuck You Elmo – I’m offended by people who talk to puppets. I know damn well that puppet isn’t real, so stop talking to it like it is. It’s not entertaining or funny, it’s just an insult to my intelligence.

3: Animals Aren’t Property – I hate people who abuse animals, use them for entertainment, hunt them, eat them, or test products on them and then try to justify their actions. People think they’re higher on the food chain and it’s ok to use animals in such a way. If people were so elevated on the food chain, they’d find alternatives without having to kill animals in the process. Just because you can do something doesn’t make it right. The sense of entitlement and lack of kindness is offensive.

2: Bloody Hell – No, I don’t want to see the scar you got from falling off your skateboard when you were 12. Put your abscessed toe back in your shoe. Your bloody paper cut is making me woozy. I’m offended that some people think that I honestly want to see their open wounds. Fucking buy some Band-aids like a normal person and wrap that shit up.

1: My Nose Knows – My feelings aren’t sensitive but my sense of smell is. People with B.O. please take a shower and put on some deodorant. If you have bad breath, pop a mint for christ sake. If I can smell your pits or your dragon breath from across the room, then I know damn well you can smell it too. Your aura of odor is offensive.

These things not only offend me but they’re also a moral code of conduct that I live by. I try not to offend others in these ways. I would never think to alter a classic like Jem, I’ll never wear a sock puppet no less talk to one, I only have animals for pets if they’re rescued due to people’s inability to care for them, if I have puss oozing from somewhere on my person that’s going to be an issue between me and my doctor, and before I go to the hospital I’m going to grab a shower.

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