Top 5 Things Wrong With The Witch

Spoiler Alert: I feel compelled to blow the lid off this cauldron of crap known as The Witch so this is for people who have seen the movie or have no interest in it!

When it comes to movies, don’t give me the Oscar nominees or something critically acclaimed. Give me a low budget flick with unknown actors or washed up has-beens. Normally, positive reviews drive me away but when I saw The Witch was going to be the scariest movie of the year, I bought my ticket and bought into the hype. Boy the marketing team really suckered me in, they deserve a raise. In my gay opinion, there’s a lot of things to hate about this movie but here’s my Top 5 Things Wrong With The Witch:

5: Fucket Thou Pilgrim Tongue – The film maker wanted to keep the language authentic to the time period of the Pilgrims but they also want you to believe that a goat can talk. It’s a “horror” movie, not a historical reenactment, write a better script instead of hiding behind a language nobody can understand.

4: No Wood To Be Had – Why have the dad chopping wood shirtless when he’s not even hot? Less chores and more personal hygiene. When he does speak (if he were hot then he wouldn’t even need lines) it’s like he has marbles in his mouth. I guess Pilgrims didn’t enunciate either.

3: Population Control – To the film maker’s credit, they did off the baby within the first 20 minutes. However the bratty twins are kept alive way too long and their deaths are never explained. It’s reprehensible that the audience isn’t given the satisfaction of watching them suffer like we had to.

2: Contract Negotiations – Instead of signing a pact with the evil goat, the daughter should have been forced to sign a promissory note that there will never be a sequel.

1: Witch Inauguration – At the end, when the witch runs into the woods to be with the other witches, why wasn’t Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker and Kathy Najimy there to greet her. It was the perfect opportunity for a Hocus Pocus reunion. Instead it’s a bunch of naked chicks on flying brooms. How unoriginal!

If you’re thinking to yourself, “Self, it can’t be all that bad,” trust me it can. If you don’t heed my warning, I would suggest waiting for it to come out on DVD so you can watch it with friends and play a drinking game. Every time you say “What’d they say?”, “What’s going on?”, or “Why are we watching this?” you take a shot. You’ll have a buzz on in the first ten minutes and hopefully pass out before the goat starts talking.

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