Craptastic Christmas Classics 2021

For someone who isn’t religious and doesn’t celebrate Christmas, I have a sleigh full of holiday music (in laymen’s terms, that’s almost 24 hours straight, of not so straight hours, of diva delights) in my collection and December is the time I binge all the craptastic Christmas movies that I can. This year I got the streaming service, FrndlyTV, so I could watch all the Lifetime and Hallmark Channel holiday releases.

I believe this time of year is about spending time with those you love and my movie watching is no different. “A Castle For Christmas” is a new Netflix movie with some old friends. Brooke Shields stars as a romance novelist with public relations problems who escapes to Scotland to avoid fan backlash from an appearance on a talk show hosted by Drew Barrymore. Nothing comes between Brooke and her Calvin’s except for a cute Scottish Duke who owns the castle that Brooke wants to visit and eventually buy. Will they end up together? It’s a holiday movie, what do you think?

If this movie doesn’t revive my career, there’s always Dancing With The Stars

Maureen McCormick was a pleasant surprise in the new-to-me 2014 festive film “Naughty & Nice” on Hulu. When a rural radio therapist gets teamed up with a shock-jock from Los Angeles (think younger and hotter versions of Delilah and Howard Stern) words and sparks fly. Marureen plays the mourning mother of the therapist and spends her screen time bundled up in flannel (think a lesbian lumberjack Martha Stewart) and crying for her lost husband…or thinking about what happened to her Brady Bunch royalties.

What do you mean Melissa Ethridge isn’t single?

Finally, my Christmas prayers were answered and my wet dreams came true when Netflix dropped the gay Christmas rom-com “Single All The Way.” This movie is everything I wanted when I sat on Santa’s lap. There’s eye candy supplied by best-friends, Michael Urie and Philemon Chambers, (I’m hoping that their stockings weren’t the only things hung) who go home for the holidays planning on pretending to be a couple. Plans change when Michael’s mom sets him up on a blind date with a hot and sweaty spin instructor. Kathy Najimy is the best mom/wingman ever, Schitt’s Creek’s Jennifer Robertson is the fun and supportive sister that every gay should have, but it’s gay icon Jennifer Coolidge who steals the show. Only Jennifer Coolidge could play Aunt Sandy the tyrannical, narcissistic director of the children’s holiday play, Jesus H. Christ.

All hail! Queen Of The Gays!

For me Christmas Day is just a paid day off from work, which in my gay opinion, is the best gift anyone could give. I give back some of that time by volunteering at a local animal Sanctuary after the staff have left and other volunteers are bogged down in holiday cheer. Just me, in a little cottage by a lake with 20 cats, and no people. That’s my idea of a happy holiday.

I hope your holidays are just as happy, no matter what diva you worship or what being you spend your time with this season.

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