Weddings And Funerals

Funerals and weddings are my least favorite ways to spend time. I have to dress up in a shirt and tie to attend a formal ritual of zero interest. This month I had a memorial service and wedding within 48 hours of each other, boy am I glad that’s over with.

Funerals, memorial services, celebrations of life…call them what you want but it’s just people getting together to cry and pay respects. With all due respect, in my gay opinion, nobody wants that. I’ve been on the front lines in the receiving line and just a passer-by giving hugs and handshakes to the bereaved, neither are comfortable or fulfilling. Also, what’s up with the party afterwards? Sure, I’ll do a lot for a free meal, but sometimes it’s just not worth it.

When it comes to my death, cremate me and don’t hold any services. If I’m still in the same house, bury my ashes in the garden out front, it’s my own Pet Sematary where I’ve buried previous pet’s ashes. If I’m no longer living there then the ashes don’t even need to be picked up. If any family members or friends can score paid bereavement days off from work, then hell yeah take the time off. Attend a concert, see a movie, go bowling, slip a single in a strippers g-string…do something fun. Sitting around mourning is such a waste of time and not what I want for anyone.

Weddings are longer and only slightly better but still not a good time. Sitting around in a suit listening to some preacher (or what not) go on about love for over an hour is too much. Hell I don’t even find porn interesting after that long. Then going to the reception to eat mediocre food and watch drunks dance. I could do that at a bar where my tab would be less than what I shell out for a wedding gift.

My partner and I got married alone at town hall. I didn’t wear a tie because it would’ve clashed with my cargo shorts. We came out of the closet only to get married in one, that was the only out-of-the-way place the Justice Of The Peace could find for our ceremony. Our Seven Minutes In Heaven was us saying “I do”, kissing and signing the paperwork. That night for our reception we went for burgers with friends and our honeymoon was all of us going to the movies to see Planet Of The Apes…the original 1968 version of course, the remake wasn’t nearly as romantic.

Speaking of romance and a waste of time, welcome to my June.

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