Who knew that when I started my first Coronavirus post that it would cause an avalanche of pushed aside household projects to move to the forefront of my mind (nothing was going on up there anyways) and I would have a compulsion to complete them all. I have never been much of a handy man unless we’re talking about my favorite tool but since we’re not, my tool belt only contains a hammer, two screw drivers (the flat one and the star one), and a pair of pliers. Anything needed outside of that scope, is left to the professionals. Since we’re social distancing, a call to our handy man was out of the question, leaving my tool in my own hands.
Project #2 to be tackled was straightening out the basement with it’s boulder walls, spider traps (I didn’t know those were a thing) left by previous owners in the rafters, and earthy holes under the additions to the house. When we moved in over 5 years ago, the movers placed totes down there haphazardly and we’ve been afraid to be down there long enough to move them out of the way. I waited for a nice day to open the hatch (so someone could hear me scream) for a few hours and after delivering a full car load of crap to the dump, the feng shui of the basement was balanced. Now we just need an exorcist and we’ll be all set.
Project #3 on my list, involved more than elbow grease, I had to borrow nails (our local store ran out, I’m not the only handy man in town) from my nephew-in-law (people actually keep nails on hand?) in order to shore up the wooden fence we have in our front yard to give our deck some privacy and a fence between us and our neighbors. After 5 years, the nails started to come loose and so had some of the boards. So my hammer came in handy and so did my stalking ability because, after spending days sitting by the window, I caught the neighbors coming home in order to ask if I could go on their property to fix the fence.
While in the mood to work my wood, I borrowed a saw from my sister (she’s the butch one in the family) to cut some wood that was once surrounding our gardens. The town wouldn’t take it as a bulk pick up so it needed to be cut down to fit in our garbage can. Let me tell you, sawing isn’t as easy as those lumberjacks in porn make it seem. Of all the things that I could imagine happening to my hands: a broken finger while shoving my way to the stage of a Debbie Gibson concert, or worse breaking a nail, or even growing hair on my palms (maybe they’re already hairy but my eye sight is so bad I can’t tell); never did I think I would get…what was it WebMD called it…oh yeah, a blister. However, I persevered and got my wood off to the dump for Project #4.
Last but not least, Project #5 on my home improvement task list, repairing a screen. The owners before us had a chihuahua. When we came to see the house they left it loose and our realtor had to trap it in the bedroom to protect our ankles. It must have enjoyed the view from the front window (as our cats do now) and punctured some holes in the screen. Being fans of the show Shark Tank, we saw a pitch for a screen repair kit called Screenmend that was supposed to fix your screen in a minute with just a hair dryer. I didn’t realize a hair dryer is a tool, that makes me a contractor since 1980 with my Vidal Sassoon dryer. Take that, Bob Vila. So the Screenmend is just as easy as promised. I just peeled off the back, stuck it over the holes, and blew it for a minute. Finally, something in my wheelhouse. In my gay opinion, HGTV may have those hot Property Brother twins but they ain’t got nothing on me and my Vidal Sassoon. We blow the competition away.