How Much Is My Gay Booty Worth?

In my gay opinion, moving sucks. I’ve moved a couple times in the past few years and with each move I downsize and get rid of stuff I no longer use. However there have been a few items that I just haven’t been able to bare to part with until now. Back in the day, pirates kept their treasure in a trunk, however I keep my booty in a Rubbermaid tote in the closet. There’s a lot more storage room in there ever since I came out of it. What are the rarities that I hold dear? Let me share with you the junk in my trunk:

Ultimate Gayness – Nothing is more gay than a Playbill from Broadway…unless it’s from the show Hello Dolly…with Bette Midler.

Toner Swag…Excuse Me, What Did You Call Me – I once worked for a toner company for computer printers. My career M.O. is to always get a job where I know nothing about the products we sell. I now work for a car oil distributor and the only thing I know about cars is that mine has a good sound system. When I left the world of toner, I took the only decoration I had on my desk, this Lexmark Mercury Johnny Lightening matchboxesque car. My advice for decorating at work, only keep enough personal belongings that will fit in your pockets in case you need to make a quick get away.

Cha-ching – Who doesn’t love The King? Ok in reality I don’t, but I give props to anybody who can make a career out of swiveling their hips. Hence this Tennessee State Quarter with Elvis’ image painted on it. Every booty needs coins as well as some gold, but since I don’t have any Tracey Gold memorabilia, this 1980 John F Kennedy half dollar in 24 karat gold will have to do. When I was in school I would always do my history reports on John F Kennedy and his presidency. I always chose JFK because #1: I believe in recycling! Why do a new report when you can use the one from the year before? #2: He was the hottest guy in history; since George Washington’s powdered wigs do nothing for me.

It’s All About How You Accessorize – As a child of the 80’s I wanted to be just like Madonna and tried to emulate her as much as I could. I would squeeze my fat ass into pleather pants, florescent sweatshirts with mesh belly shirts over them, crosses around my neck, and jelly bracelets from wrist to elbow. Man I miss the 80’s but now may be the time to let go a little, although I still love those thick florescent shoe laces?

Go With The Flo – When I went out on my own and bought my first condo I wanted each room to have it’s own color and theme. The painters I hired to do a few of the rooms referred to it as “The Rainbow House” and how right they were. The kitchen was called Florence’s Fantasy Kitchen in honor of the one and only Florence Henderson. It’s walls were painted in Flo-recent orange with lime green ceiling and baseboards. Upon the wall hung this booklet and ticket from the Shady Grove Music Theater from July 20, 1976 that I obtained on Ebay. They’re from a show Florence did with Jim Nabors. Now there’s a double bill I’m sorry I missed.

Another Queen – The Rainbow House had a living room that was called Cleopatra’s Quarters dedicated to the greatest Queen of all time. Walls were painted in lime green with the ceiling and trim painted in coral. There were tiki torches sticking out of sand in plastic Egyptian urns with a futon wrapped in a hieroglyphics inspired cover. In that room was this 8X10 photo of the late-great Elizabeth Taylor portraying the later-greater Cleopatra.

So Many Men, So Little Time – The date was February 15, 2001 and the place was a local country bar called The Cadillac Ranch. Oh yeah, I line danced back in the day and if you thought this post couldn’t get any gayer, I took dance lessons with my sister. Anyways, that night a girlfriend of mine dragged me there because The Warren Brothers were performing. I’m always up for a Girls Night Out and my arm doesn’t need much twisting when cute brothers are involved. After the concert the brothers were selling and autographing 8X10s. I bought one for myself as well as one for this guy I was seeing at the time (Gregory) who mentioned he was a fan. The only reason I remember Gregory’s name is because that’s who the photo is made out to and the only reason I still have the photo is because the relationship didn’t last long enough for me to give it to him.

Who Doesn’t Like A Little Head – I was on vacation with a friend in Atlantic City when I walked into a junk shop full of all sorts of nostalgic memorabilia when I spotted a cup full of Farrah Fawcett doll heads on sticks. Completely random but such a find. Farrah was one of my favorite Angels. You have no idea how many buckets of discarded Barbie dolls I’ve gone through over the years at flea markets and tag sales hoping to find a body for her head.

ONJ in NJ – One of the reason I was in Atlantic City in May of 2000 was to see Olivia Newton John in concert. While walking around I spotted this newspaper called Whoot Weekly South Jersey with Olivia’s face smiling back at me. This holds memories of both a great show and a great vacation.



People Who Need People – On one of my many flea market expeditions, I unearthed this Film Quarterly magazine from the Spring of 1985 with Barbra Streisand on the cover. Although the gay gene that loves Barbra Streisand skipped me, I couldn’t bare to see her discarded amongst the piles of Family Circles and National Geographics. She’s Barbra Fucking Streisand for god sake. Like the military say, no diva left behind!

Stamp Of Approval – Sometimes things just show up in my life and I have no idea how they got there. These 1970 Celebrate The Century stamp sheet is one of those items.

I’ll Trade Ya – Most kids go through a phase where they like sports cards but I wasn’t very good at trading them. The info on the back of the cards weren’t the player’s stats that I was interested in. Then I discovered non-sports cards. I could relive going to the theater to see ET, Star Wars and Grease. Before I had a VCR (yes I’m that old) to record my favorite shows I’d replay my favorite shows by flipping through my Charlie’s Angels, Beverly Hills 90210, and Mork & Mindy cards. Then to have divas like Bo Derek and Princess Diana come out with cards, how could I not become a card collector.

For The Record – Whenever I get a whiff of someone with BO I am transported back to my days of going to record shows…when they were a thing. Going to convention centers where dealers set up tables and sold their musical wares. Since I don’t have a record player, I’ve gotten rid of most of my collectables except these gems. Who needs a record player when I can just look at another one of my favorite Angel’s kicking up her heels or Blair in all her 80s pastel wonderfulness. I wonder why my partner says we can never have a record player in the house.

Originally I was just going to write this post just to give some insight into my treasure trove. Then I thought, why should my family jewels only see the light of day every decade or so and maybe someone out there would value them as much as I do. My curiosity was piqued wondering how much my amassed assets would be worth on the open market on Ebay. However that dream was crushed by the United States Postal Service when they told me that my box stuffed with goodies would cost $45 to mail. Sure I think my package is worth that but maybe others might not see it that way. So that leaves me with only one option…Craigslist. I’m sure I can find some interest in my gay booty there.

UPDATE: The day this post went live, I put my booty up on Craigslist. I was able to sell it for $30 (I was able to keep every penny instead of sharing a part of the profits with my pimp Ebay), within 2 days, and had much interest. My booty was in high demand, if I do say so myself.

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